RAISING OUR SONS AND BREAKING THE SILENCE
By MAAJIITAAZIIBIIKWE, MARY SAM
Raising our sons in a world that condones the sexualization of women, punishes those who try to break the silence, and looks away at "boys will be boys" behavior is a challenge for local parents who are trying to raise sons in a good way — raising sons to value themselves and their own bodies, respect girls and women, find purpose, and not be drawn into negative peer behavior can be difficult. At alarmingly young ages, more boys are experiencing social conditioning by music, TV, social media, and peers, which can translate into pressure to drink, use drugs, be recruited by gangs, and even sexually harass or assault girls. Addressing sexual harassment, sexual assault, sex trafficking, and violence against girls, women and boys takes courage, time, and intention. It takes courage to break the silence. It takes courage to hold our loved ones accountable. It takes courage to change. And change takes time, as it is not easy work. It takes intention.
Local fathers within the Band raising younger sons agree that creating a foundation in culture, ceremony, learning language, and connection to healthy Elders as role models is invaluable. Having safe role models is vital. Reflecting on their own upbringing with the choices they made, consequences they faced, and living a new path has challenged these fathers to think about how they raise their sons to practice self-care, find purpose, respect girls and women, and to find their courage when they see or hear any level of violence against girls, women, or boys occurring. It is not an easy task, and for some, unlearning family- or community-accepted rules can be hard patterns to change. A few chose to speak up, finding their courage and their voice to try to change some of these patterns, even when their voices shake.
George Morrow III agrees that raising a son in the outdoors in our cultural way is important, noting that it saved him. George beamed with love and admiration for his mother and grandmother. Trying to break the cycles of those before him, he tries hard to provide good care of his mother so his son can see, learn, and experience this love and respect. “I try to show him, as he will do what I do. He is always watching, so I try to lead by example.” George believes in showing kids, not talking down to them, and modeling self-respect. George shared his gratitude for this article. “We all come from our sacred women; we need to raise our sons with these values. Being intentional takes work.” Making change is hard, and he can only be responsible for his own actions. He noted he is far from perfect and does not ever want to do anything that would make his mother or grandmother ashamed of him, or to get angry with his choices. He strives to be his best self raising a little boy to be a good man someday. “My son will become a good man. It’s a scary world out here, and I need to help provide the tools for him to navigate all that he will face.”
Virgil Wind shared that learning through his own failures has helped him be a better father, partner, role model, and advocate for ending sexual harassment and sexual assault. For many in our community, growing up without strong male parenting figures left some young men without guidance on respecting themselves, girls, and women. Showing up, as fathers, in all that they do is important. Setting the tone around sexual harassment is essential. Talking to our sons about what it means to value their sisters, mothers, aunties, and grandmothers is needed. He asked that we treat all women like you would like to see your daughter or mother treated. He shared being a man is a big responsibility and it is the job as fathers to model the actions that will make our world better; including safe for women. Referring to sexual assault data on a local level, he noted, “how can we expect people outside of our community to respect our sisters if we don’t? It starts with us.”
Bobby Eagle has worked extremely hard to make changes in his life to be a healthier man. When teaching his sons about respecting self and respecting girls and women, he will continue to “have conversations to ensure the right information gets to my boys and try to be open and honest with them”. Bobby acknowledges how hard it is to do this not only within his family, but extended family and a men’s group he is a part of. “I have had to take a hard stance on some topics, some of the joking, and remind us all that we need to take this serious and be conscious to the treatment of women and our behavior daily.” Setting boundaries with other men can be tough. He said he sometimes feels like he walks the road alone. He is concerned that our boys are watching us all of the time, and there is a lot of behavior towards women that is not okay.” It's time to stop ignoring this behavior and find the courage to address it.” Bobby encourages dads to “step in now, take action." His final challenge; “Who do you want your boys to see when they see how you treat women? Do they see a respectful man, with integrity, respecting all women?”
Carlos Merrill sees positive changes taking place with our younger generation of boys in his community. They are displaying more positive behavior with themselves, girls, and women than the generations of the past. He models respect in the home, where his boys witness parents as equals and partners; even within our cultural roles, he is being watched by his children and in the community. “Modeling respect of women versus dominating behaviors is a much stronger teacher.” Advice he has for parents raising healthier kids includes having clear expectations, holding them accountable, showing them how to care for one another, and practice kindness. “I see more boys starting to call each other out, making change in this generation."
