MEN'S GROUP IS SUPPORTIVE AND COOL
By Li Boyd, Band member
Like most parents, Bob Eagle wants what's best for his kids, and in early 2020, he found himself struggling when one of his children made some missteps that ended in legal trouble. Bob, fearing that he was failing as a parent, reached out to other men in the community for advice. This was the beginning of the Men's Support Group, a true grassroots group focused on community support and solidarity.
The group is designed for men, and participants can bring any issues to discuss, including problems with relationships, parenting, substance use disorders, and anything that affects life and health. Jason Sam, group member and a peer recovery specialist at Ne-Ia-Shing Clinic, says this is his favorite part. "It's an open place for men to go," he says. "It doesn't have to be about recovery."
Joe Nayquonabe Sr., one of the first to answer the call when Bob Eagle started the group, echoed these thoughts and added that the group is largely informal. Most meetings will start with a smudge and a prayer for the manidoo to watch over everyone. Bob usually cooks a meal. In the talking circle, a feather is passed around so that each participant may have his time to speak uninterrupted. Joe stresses that confidentiality is an important element to meetings. The group is meant to be a safe space. What is said there, stays there, and that's a part of basic trust.
Joe also thinks it's important to remind men that they don't have to be in distress to participate. This is unique in a health and human services landscape that sometimes can't provide support until clients are already in dire need. Assessment is a commonly heard word in health programs, and the Men's Support Group doesn't require any of that.
One of the greatest pitfalls of modern society is the prevalence of something called Toxic Masculinity. It goes back to those old ways of thinking where men never cry, they don't have, much less share, feelings, and they don't show love and affection in healthy ways. In Indian Country, toxic masculinity is reinforced by the pressure of stereotypes our communities have carried for generations. The myth of the Stoic Indian Man is as common today as it was 50 or 100 years ago. To this day, representation in non-Native media plays on the falsehood that a stern Indian man is impervious. He is self-sufficient, silent, strong, needs no one, and cannot be hurt.
This is all, of course, absurd and part of the intergenerational trauma our communities have suffered due to colonization. Many victims of Indian Boarding Schools and their descendants highlight the inability to show love, or any emotion at all, as one of the most devastating after-effects experienced by survivors. This is part of what makes the Men's Support Group so crucial to our community as a whole. Though the group is designed for men, the ultimate goal is for the betterment of the entire community.
Nick Cash, peer recovery specialist and group member, thinks it's important that the group works to show men and boys that there is a different way to live. Our youth need to know that going to jail or prison isn't some kind of rite of passage. It doesn't equate to being tough or cool. Doing cultural activities, participating in drum ceremonies and sweat lodge, these are all things that are "cool." The group, Nick says, is about breaking the cycle, creating a safe space for men to vent and learn to be better with themselves. The group wants everyone to be comfortable enough to share their minds, hearts, the barriers they encounter, the stories they've lived, and the things that have helped them. In this group, there is no hierarchy. Everyone is equal.
That being said, Nick's day job focuses on recovery issues, and recovery is a large part of what the group addresses. Several members have taken part in suicide prevention training, and much of the focus is on meeting men where they are. "We want to get the guy who wants to stop but doesn't know how," Nick says. And there's no judgment or punishment. "If you fall off, we're still here. We want to keep people in recovery." Bob Eagle says that there are no rules about not attending the meetings under the influence. "We will speak to you immediately," he says.
While the group is largely self-sufficient, fundraising on its own without operational support from the Mille Lacs Band, in 2022, Mille Lacs Band Health and Human Services did take notice and began donating some financial support as well as referring some of their clients to the group for additional support. The group has also gained some recognition outside the boundaries of the Mille Lacs Band. Similar groups have started in Red Lake, White Earth, Cass Lake, Bemidji, and Minneapolis. "We're just one small group now," Bob says. Sometimes the newer groups come to Mille Lacs to share a meeting. At a recent potluck event, Bob says about 140 people showed up. The group also does community engagement, sometimes partnered with the Women's Support Group, in the form of smudge walks, fundraiser food sales, and similar events. The group utilizes sober and social networks to give participants the broadest base of support and resources possible. The group has even participated in wellness conferences across the United States, fundraising their own travel expenses to network in California, Arizona, and Colorado. At these events, they have been invited to share what the group is about and connect with similar groups on initiatives, what works, what doesn't, and new ideas to try.
The Men's Support Group meets every Monday at 5:30 p.m. usually at the Old District I Community Center. Funerals and other events sometimes require a change of location, and the group does its best to update its social media to reflect any changes. Joe Sr. says the group is comfortable in the Old Community Center though. There's a kitchen for Bob to cook in, there's a meeting room, and the men feel at home there. As the group's spiritual advisor, Joe looks forward to talking about culture, and the roles of men in communities and families, and he also hopes to see more and younger participants. There are no age requirements in the group, and it's important to all the members to get all the generations involved. To sum it up, Nick Cash says, "We're here for you."
