LET'S TALK ABOUT TEEN DATING VIOLENCE
By Vivian LaMoore, Inaajimowin Editor
September marks the beginning of a new school year for most of our area young people. With that often comes excitement, wonder, and new challenges. Going back to school is a chance for some students to regain friendships with kids they haven’t seen all summer, as well as make new friends. For teens, along with the basic challenges of education like reading, writing, arithmetic, art, history, music, and all of the usual stuff, often comes the challenges of dating.
Let’s face it: Dating can be so much fun! But it can also be weird, awkward, and uncomfortable at times. There can also be a dark side to dating that is not talked about openly and honestly enough. Teen dating violence happens in every community. It is classified as an “adverse childhood experience” that affects millions of young people in the United States, according to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). It does not see gender, nor does it see color, race, size, or age.
What does teen dating violence look like? Teen dating violence can include the following types of behavior:
• Physical violence is when a person hurts or tries to hurt a partner by hitting, kicking, or using another type of physical force.
• Sexual violence is forcing or attempting to force a partner to take part in a sex act and/or sexual touching when the partner does not consent or is unable to consent or refuse. It also includes non-physical sexual behaviors like posting or sharing sexual pictures of a partner without their consent or sexting someone without their consent.
• Psychological aggression is the use of verbal and non-verbal communication with the intent to harm a partner mentally or emotionally and exert control over a partner.
• Stalking is a pattern of repeated, unwanted attention and contact by a current or former partner that causes fear or safety concern for an individual victim or someone close to the victim.
Teens often think some behaviors, like teasing and name-calling, are a “normal” part of a relationship. However, these behaviors can become abusive and develop into serious forms of violence. Many teens do not report unhealthy behaviors because they are afraid to tell family and friends. Only 33% of teens who were in an abusive relationship ever told anyone about the abuse. Added to the complexity is the fact that 81% of parents believe teen dating violence is not an issue or admit they don’t know it’s an issue.
Violence in an adolescent relationship sets the stage for future relationship problems, including intimate partner violence and sexual violence perpetration and/or victimization throughout life. For example, youth who are victims of dating violence in high school are at higher risk for victimization during college.
Supporting healthy, nonviolent relationships could reduce teen dating violence and prevent its harmful, long-lasting effects on individuals, their families, and their communities. During the pre-teen and teen years, it is critical for youth to begin learning skills to create and maintain healthy relationships, including managing feelings and communicating in a healthy way. Research also highlights the need for prevention efforts that address the unique needs of teens who are at greater risk of experiencing teen dating violence.
Mille Lacs Band Victim Services has two curriculums to introduce to teens this year. “One of our main goals is to educate teens and stop dating violence before it ever starts,” said Kristen Allord, Victim Services Director.
One of the curriculums is called Safe Dates: A Teen Relationship Abuse Prevention Curriculum. This evidence-based program helps teens recognize the difference between caring, supportive relationships and controlling, manipulative, or abusive relationships.
The other is called In Their Shoes: Teens and Dating Violence. “We are very excited to bring this to the community. This is an engaging way to talk about dating violence and healthy relationships with young people,” Allord said. She explained it is an interactive exercise where participants become one of 16 characters based on the experiences of real teens. Some of these experiences involve situations including sexting, pregnancy, homophobia, and stalking. Participants make choices about their relationships and move through the scenario by reading about interactions with their dating partner, family, friends, counselors, police, and others. There is a debriefing exercise that follows this interactive experience if there are additional questions or to help dispel any myths about intimate partner violence.
“We would like to empower the teens in the community to create healthy relationships. Nobody deserves to be abused,” Allord said. “Relationships should be based on respect and kindness, not on power and control. Our office receives several calls a year from teens involved in dating abuse. Many youth suffer in silence because they are too afraid to speak out. Many are unaware there are laws in place to protect them from unhealthy relationships. This fall, we hope to introduce a youth line that will provide support, resources, and referrals to those in crisis.”
WHAT TO DO IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS A VICTIM OF DATING ABUSE
The effects of teen dating violence can be detrimental to a person’s physical and emotional well-being and ultimately lead to antisocial behaviors and symptoms of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse, according to the CDC. If you or someone you know is suffering from dating abuse, here are some tips:
Tell someone — Don’t be afraid to talk to a friend, adult, family member, or someone you trust. There are people and organizations who can help you get out of a violent dating situation before it escalates.
Document the abuse — Record what’s taking place. Keep a journal of the violence you’re experiencing, including dates and times of each incident. Seek medical care for any injuries. Print out emails, text messages, or any other form of electronic communication that contains evidence of dating violence.
Leave the relationship — Relationships can turn violent quickly. If this happens, get out of the immediate situation. Consult friends or trusted adults for help before the abuse intensifies.
Dating abuse is difficult for everyone involved, including people who attempt to offer support. Those who haven’t dealt with dating abuse before sometimes wonder why survivors don’t just leave their partner, not realizing that ending an abusive relationship is far more complicated than other break-ups (which can be challenging in their own right).
There may be any number of reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. Beyond just understanding and recognizing the warning signs of abuse, one of the simplest ways to support survivors is to understand the complexities of why they may not be able to leave, including: conflicting emotions, pressure, distrust of authority, or dependency.
One of the best resources for learning about healthy relationships and teen dating violence is www.loveisrespect.org.
If you are a victim of dating violence and are feeling lost and scared, contact your local Safe Place program or talk to someone who can protect you. Teachers, counselors, and other adults are there to help. Seeing a counselor or other professional does not mean there is something wrong with you. Never blame yourself, and never be afraid to get help when you need it.
You can also call, text, or chat online with advocates 24/7 at Love Is Respect who can help:
Call: 1.866.331.9474
Text: Loveis to 22522
Chat online: Visit the website loveisrespect.org and click “Chat Online Now.”
For more information on the Mille Lacs Band programs, please contact Kristen Allord, Victim Services Director, at 320- 532-7793 or kristen.allord@hhs.millelacsband-nsn.gov.
TEEN DATING VIOLENCE IS AN ISSUE
Data from CDC’s Youth Risk Behavior Survey and the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey indicates that:
• Nearly 1.5 million high school students nationwide experience physical abuse from a dating partner in a single year.
• Nearly 1 in 11 female and approximately 1 in 14 male high school students report having experienced physical dating violence in the last year.
• About 1 in 8 female and 1 in 26 male high school students report having experienced sexual dating violence in the last year.
KNOW THE FACTS
• 26% of women and 15% of men who were victims of contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime first experienced these or other forms of violence by that partner before age 18.
• In a study of eighth and ninth graders, 25% indicated that they had been victims of dating violence, including eight percent who disclosed being sexually abused. (American Journal of Preventive Medicine)
• Among female students between the ages of 15- 20 who reported at least one violent act during a dating relationship, 24% reported experiencing extremely violent incidents such as rape or the use of weapons against them (Journal of child & adolescent pediatric nursing)
• In a survey of 232 high school girls, 17.8% indicated that they had been forced to engage in sexual activity against their will by a dating partner. (Child & Adolescent Social Work Journal)
• 55% of female students and 75% of male students involved in acquaintance rape admit to having been drinking or using drugs when the incident occurred. (TeachingDegree)
• Over the course of an average 5-year college career, between 20 and 25% of women students are raped. Fewer than 5 in 100 rapes are reported. (US department of Justice)
SHORT- & LONG TERM NEGATIVE EFFECTS
The CDC reports that unhealthy, abusive, or violent relationships can have short- and long-term negative effects, including severe consequences, on a developing teen. Youth who are victims of teen dating violence are more likely to:
• Experience depression and anxiety symptoms.
• Engage in unhealthy behaviors, like using tobacco, drugs, and alcohol.
• Exhibit antisocial behaviors, like lying, theft, bullying, or hitting.
• Think about suicide: 50% of young people who experience rape or physical or sexual abuse will attempt to commit suicide.