Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Violence and Abuse

OCTOBER WAS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH

By MAAJIITAAZIIBIIKWE Mary Sam, Mille Lacs Community Member

In the woods, in the city, away from the city, domestic violence is real. Not all, but some us grew up in family systems where domestic violence occurred emotionally, physically or both, and/or recently or historically.

Many factors continue to feed the cycle of domestic abuse, including the lack of services in rural Minnesota, denial, fear, structural racism, institutional barriers, and prohibiting allowing a voice to speak the truth. Yet, small circles, gatherings, and healing initiatives at home here in Mille Lacs are working to break the silence, raise awareness, intervene, and support those impacted by domestic violence. Mille Lacs Band Family Violence Prevention Program, focuses on education, advocacy, victim services, safe harbor and shelter. The Mille Lacs Band Men and Women’s Healing Circles and groups work to empower healthy connections and provide peer-to-peer space to come forward to heal. Helping survivors and perpetrators understand the dynamics that maintain violence is essential to break the cycle.

Silence cannot be an option — for any of us. Breaking the silence takes courage, as there are so many layers that con- tribute to the cycles of violence. The late Betty Kegg, [Mary Sam’s mother] often said “We cannot help heal our communities if we haven’t done the healing work ourselves.” Healing ourselves is really hard work. Healing our communities is even harder.

How do we create systems of prevention, support, and intervention without re-victimizing? Native communities know too well the added harm that can be done when prevention and intervention programs reflect patriarchic systems, are not culturally grounded or which proselytize, thereby reinforcing the oppression and violence of the boarding school era.

Well-intended helpers can compound the damage, when they lack cultural fluency skills. Worse yet, some individuals offering help may themselves be unsafe, including those in positions with authority.

Denial is huge; it is real when it comes to addressing these issues. Fear is real. In conversations with professionals who work closely with those impacted there has been a common theme: victims oftentimes blame themselves for their situations and many times do not even realize they are being abused or even stolen. In addition, many protective systems are in place for the abusers, looking the other way, societal tolerance of violence, including the tolerance of the murders of indigenous relatives. History matters in how we talk about accountability or speaking our truths-when it affects someone we know or love.

Historical trauma provides the foundation and invisibility, which allows the crisis of domestic violence and sexual assault to continue. It is difficult for Native women in particular to trust the systems and the helpers, and the organizations, which often make women feel responsible, blamed, and shamed. Some take the abuse because of fear of police, fear of those in power, and many who have looked away; Native women don’t believe them or decide others simply don’t care. There isn’t much hope that things can get better and the cycle continues. In a recent article published in The Women's Press, co-authored by Band members Nicole Anderson, Commissioner of Health and Human Services, Mikayla Schaaf, and Mary Sam, Mikayla said, “Many of us become desensitized to trauma. I am committed to being the grandmother who breaks the cycles so many of us are familiar with.”

Men and women are needed to begin this healing work. It is important that men be a part of the truth telling because they are essential to this healing work. They are, and have been, victimized as well. We must begin to break the cycles that are breaking our communities.

Collaboration with area agencies is key to helping us break the silence. Commissioner Anderson notes: “I have learned courage and collaboration are key to addressing this tough subject. This is hard work, painful work, long overdue, but necessary.”